A couple goes to marriage counseling, the counselor starts off with asking "ok what do you both have in common?". the Husband says "we both don't like sucking c*ck".
A couple goes to marriage counseling, the counselor starts off with asking "ok what do you both have in common?". the Husband says "we both don't like sucking c*ck".
Santa was very sad.
Banta: Why are you sad?
Santa: I gave 10,000 dollars to a friend for plastic surgery. Now I am not able to recognize him.
Also add your jokes..
LOL Banta
Currently there's a thread for jokes http://www.sb-innovation.de/f53/joke-section-10646/
Last edited by Blocker; 28.01.10 at 21:47.
A little boy and girl are in a bathtub, and are naked because they are too little too understand anything like that. The girl and boy ask each other: "What's that?" and they both reply: "I'll ask my parents."
So the boy goes home and asks his dad what it is. The dad looks solemnly at him and says: "Son, that's your car. You park it in a girls garage."
The girl goes home and says: "what's that?" The mother says: "That's your garage. dont let any boy park his car in it."
The next day they are again the tub. The boy says its a car and remembers what his dad said. So he begins to put it in the girls "garage". But then the girl remembers what her mom said.
5 minutes later, the girl comes to the mom with blood all over her. The mother asks her what was wrong and she said: "Mommy, a boy tried to put his car in my garage, but I popped his two back tires."
welcome to the 'future'
"HIGH SCHOOL -- 1955 vs. 2010"
Scenario 1: Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1955 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack...
2010 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario 2: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1955 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2010 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario 3: Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1955 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2010 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD... The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario 4: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1955 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario 5: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1955 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock..
2010 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations... His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario 6: Pedro fails high school English.
1955 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2010 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist.. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher.. English is then banned from core curriculum.. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario 7: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1955 - Ants die.
2010 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism.. The FBI investigates his parents --and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario 8: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1955 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy
The next time you drink a beer guys think again!
No offence to you women or tranies out there. I luv (real) womenThis is serious stuff...Beer contains female hormones!
Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results
of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is
that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by
drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour
period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1. Argued over nothing.
2. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3. Gained weight.
4. Talked excessively without making sense.
5. Became overly emotional.
6. Couldn't drive.
7. Failed to think rationally
8. Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
dont ban me just spank me
Two snowmen were standing in a field. Snowman A started started sniffing the air. With a puzzled look, he turned to Snowman B and asked: "Do you smell carrots?"
CONFIDENCE !!
20 CEOs board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature pilot less technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft. Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.
One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight,
he replies:
"If it is the same software that is developed by my company's IT systems department, this plane won't even take off.”!!!!
That is called Confidence!!
Mistakes on a resume
These are from actual resumes:
"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.
"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."
"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."
"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
"Number of dependents: 40."
"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."
RESUME BLOOPERS
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."
REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:
"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."
"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."
"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."
"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."
"I'm a rabid typist."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."
One from ME...
Banta and one of his friends were picked up by the cops for using drugs and appeared in court before the judge.
The judge said, “You seem like nice men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”
Monday, Banta and his friend were in court, and the judge said to the first one, “How did you do over the weekend?”
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”
“Seventeen people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?”
“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this and told them this big circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.”
“That’s admirable,” said the judge. “And you, how did you do?” the judge asked Banta.
Banta, “Well, your honor, I persuaded 150 people to give up drugs forever.”
“One-hundred-fifty people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that?”
Banta, “Well, I used a similar approach. I said, This small circle is your asshole before prison and. . . .”
i'll put some geeky jokes:
here goes the 1st.:
An irishman goes for a construction job and the interviewer asks him to represent the number nine without using numbers.
"EASY" says the irishman, and proceeds to draw 3 trees.
"how does that represent 9" asks the interviewer.
"Well, tree and tree and tree make nine," says the irishman.
"okay" says the interviewer, now make 99
"easy" says the irishman, who smudges his pictures of the 3 trees.
"how does this represent 99?"
"look" says the irishman "dirty tree and dirty tree and dirty tree make 99"
"okay, make it 100 then"
"easy" says the iriishman, who then makes a little mark at the bottom of each tree.
"how is that possibly 100"
"a little dog came along and shat under each tree. so its dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and a turd makes 100"
It would be fair to say that the Irishman was smarter than the interviewer
dont ban me just spank me
More::
Banta: Is your wife beautiful?
Santa: Yes, from a distance.
While creating wives, God promised men that good & ideal wives will be found in all corners of the world and then he made the earth round!
Jeeto: I wish I was a newspaper so I would be in ur hands all-day.
Santa: I too wish that u were a newspapers so I could have a new one everyday.
Q: What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A: About 45 pounds!
yes, absolutelyOriginally Posted by saebrtooth
another two:
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, “I think I’ve lost an electron.”
The other says, “Are you sure?”
The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”
---------------------------------------------
So, a neutron walks into a bar. "I’d like a beer" he says. The
bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the
neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
Few more:
Son: I want a baby brother.
Mom: Your dad is overseas. When he comes back we will talk over it.
Son: Why don`t u give him a surprise?The Shakespeare EffectAn intelligent employee`s prayer-
Lord! Please give me WISDOM to understand my boss and PATIENCE to deal with his moods.
Don`t give me STRENGTH otherwise I`ll kill him�
A young lad and his mother were walking down the street when suddenly the boy yelled out excitedly, "Mother, Mother, Look at that bowlegged man!"
His mother immediately hushed him, explaining it was not polite to make fun of bowlegged people.
The next day the same thing happened. "Look mother, there's that bowlegged man!"
The mother grabbed the lad by the arm saying, "When we get home you'll be punished for this outburst."
When they got home, she gave her son a work by Shakespeare, "Go to your room and read this book. You can't come out until you have finished it. Maybe you will learn something from this punishment."
Two days later they're walking down the same street when the boy again, spots the person of whom he had been making fun: "Hark! What manner of men are these, who weareth their legs as parentheses?"
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