View Full Version : The joke section
Hi guys.So i have an ideea;this will be the joke section were we will post jokes.
So the rules are:
-ony one joke per day;
-be sure that your joke wasn't allready said by anybody;
Oh and the best joke of the day will get a prize.For now i only have 2 invitations on roDVD and a point to your rep but maybe other users will prize you too.If you wanna prize someone please tell us too.
My joke:
A Rabbit walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender and says, "I want a cup of coffee.” The bartender says, "We don’t serve coffee here"
So the Rabbit leaves, but when he leaves he sees two friends entering the bar so he joins them. His friends ask for a beer and sandwich but the rabbit says "I wanna cup of coffee"
The bartender says, "We don’t serve coffee here"
So the rabbit leaves again, but he sees two more friends so he joins them in the bar. His friends order a beer and a sandwich but the Rabbit still says, "I want a cup of coffee"
"Look,” says the bartender "we don’t serve coffee here. Now leave or I will nail your ears to the bar!"
So the rabbit leaves, but he yet again sees two more friends and enters the bar.
But this time the rabbit says, "Do you have a hammer?"
"No" replies the bartender
Do you have any nails?"
"No"
"Then I want a cup of coffee"
Who is the biggest whore on whole planet?Electricity.You know why?because you can't touch her but must pay her :biggrin:
Please learn how to use the thanks button or rep:top:
A bunch of yo mama jokes:
Yo mama so nasty she made speed stick slow down.
Yo mama so nasty she brings crabs to the beach.
Yo mama so nasty she made right guard turn left.
Yo mama so nasty the fishery be paying her to leave
Yo mama so nasty she has to creep up on bathwater.
Yo mama so nasty that pours salt water down her pants to keep her crabs fresh.
Yo mama so nasty I called her to say hello, and she ended up giving me an ear infection.
Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up.
Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
Yo mama so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends
Yo mama so stupid when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon.
Yo mama so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.
Yo mama so lazy she's got a remote control just to operate her remote!
Yo mama teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!
Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
Yo mama so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck
Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras
Enjoy:biggrin:
Thread cleaned. :wink:
Please learn how to use the thanks button or rep:top:
Do you know what Art is?To shit in a corner of a round house:rolling_eyes::rolling_eyes:
BTW.,remember,only one joke per day:tongue:
A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!
---------- Post added at 19:31 ---------- Previous post was at 19:29 ----------
What's the speed limit of sex?
-Sixty-eight -- at 69, you have to turn around.
What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
-A cherry float.
Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
How to drown a blonde ?
Put a mirror on the bottom of pool :D
Found this in my email:
:klatsch_3:
Things you should never say to a cop when he pulls you over:
20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?
17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
14. Bad cop. No donut.
13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
9. I pay your salary
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me. (I think I will use this one)
4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum. :shockkk!:
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches? :klatsch_3:
The Rude Customer
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been > >withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F u c k You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
The good ol' joke...
A pirate walks into a bar, and he's got a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender sees him and asks, "Hey, what's that steering wheel doing there?" The pirate says, "Aaarrrr, it's driving me nuts."
:smile:
The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that grammer bloopers can be highly entertaining.
-----------
1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.
10. I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.
11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
13. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
15. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
16. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
17. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
18. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
20. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
21. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
22. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
Big Boss Man
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."
The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."
The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any asshole will do.
couples having fun in the living room, guy says "your dry tonight", girl says "your licking the rug".
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word,
Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Chuck Norris doesnt have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway
Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack
A couple goes to marriage counseling, the counselor starts off with asking "ok what do you both have in common?". the Husband says "we both don't like sucking c*ck".
carvercasey
28.01.10, 10:01
Santa was very sad.
Banta: Why are you sad?
Santa: I gave 10,000 dollars to a friend for plastic surgery. Now I am not able to recognize him.
Also add your jokes..
LOL Banta :biggrin:
Currently there's a thread for jokes http://www.sb-innovation.de/f53/joke-section-10646/
A little boy and girl are in a bathtub, and are naked because they are too little too understand anything like that. The girl and boy ask each other: "What's that?" and they both reply: "I'll ask my parents."
So the boy goes home and asks his dad what it is. The dad looks solemnly at him and says: "Son, that's your car. You park it in a girls garage."
The girl goes home and says: "what's that?" The mother says: "That's your garage. dont let any boy park his car in it."
The next day they are again the tub. The boy says its a car and remembers what his dad said. So he begins to put it in the girls "garage". But then the girl remembers what her mom said.
5 minutes later, the girl comes to the mom with blood all over her. The mother asks her what was wrong and she said: "Mommy, a boy tried to put his car in my garage, but I popped his two back tires."
welcome to the 'future' :eek:
"HIGH SCHOOL -- 1955 vs. 2010"
Scenario 1: Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1955 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack...
2010 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario 2: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1955 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2010 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario 3: Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1955 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2010 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD... The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario 4: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1955 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario 5: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1955 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock..
2010 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations... His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario 6: Pedro fails high school English.
1955 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2010 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist.. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher.. English is then banned from core curriculum.. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario 7: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1955 - Ants die.
2010 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism.. The FBI investigates his parents --and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario 8: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1955 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy
saebrtooth
06.03.10, 09:56
The next time you drink a beer guys think again!
This is serious stuff...Beer contains female hormones!
Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results
of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is
that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by
drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour
period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1. Argued over nothing.
2. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3. Gained weight.
4. Talked excessively without making sense.
5. Became overly emotional.
6. Couldn't drive.
7. Failed to think rationally
8. Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
No offence to you women or tranies out there. I luv (real) women :wink2:
Two snowmen were standing in a field. Snowman A started started sniffing the air. With a puzzled look, he turned to Snowman B and asked: "Do you smell carrots?"
leechmodder
07.03.10, 03:08
CONFIDENCE !!
20 CEOs board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature pilot less technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft. Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.
One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight,
he replies:
"If it is the same software that is developed by my company's IT systems department, this plane won't even take off.”!!!!
That is called Confidence!! :lol:
Mistakes on a resume
These are from actual resumes:
"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.
"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."
"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."
"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
"Number of dependents: 40."
"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."
RESUME BLOOPERS
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."
REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:
"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."
"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."
"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."
"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."
"I'm a rabid typist."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."
shawshankraj
16.03.10, 04:52
One from ME...
Banta and one of his friends were picked up by the cops for using drugs and appeared in court before the judge.
The judge said, “You seem like nice men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”
Monday, Banta and his friend were in court, and the judge said to the first one, “How did you do over the weekend?”
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”
“Seventeen people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?”
“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this and told them this big circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.”
“That’s admirable,” said the judge. “And you, how did you do?” the judge asked Banta.
Banta, “Well, your honor, I persuaded 150 people to give up drugs forever.”
“One-hundred-fifty people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that?”
Banta, “Well, I used a similar approach. I said, This small circle is your asshole before prison and. . . .”
i'll put some geeky jokes:
here goes the 1st.:
An irishman goes for a construction job and the interviewer asks him to represent the number nine without using numbers.
"EASY" says the irishman, and proceeds to draw 3 trees.
"how does that represent 9" asks the interviewer.
"Well, tree and tree and tree make nine," says the irishman.
"okay" says the interviewer, now make 99
"easy" says the irishman, who smudges his pictures of the 3 trees.
"how does this represent 99?"
"look" says the irishman "dirty tree and dirty tree and dirty tree make 99"
"okay, make it 100 then"
"easy" says the iriishman, who then makes a little mark at the bottom of each tree.
"how is that possibly 100"
"a little dog came along and shat under each tree. so its dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and a turd makes 100"
saebrtooth
22.03.10, 00:32
It would be fair to say that the Irishman was smarter than the interviewer
shawshankraj
22.03.10, 04:46
More::
Banta: Is your wife beautiful?
Santa: Yes, from a distance.:baeh:
While creating wives, God promised men that good & ideal wives will be found in all corners of the world and then he made the earth round!:stupid:
Jeeto: I wish I was a newspaper so I would be in ur hands all-day.
Santa: I too wish that u were a newspapers so I could have a new one everyday.:klatsch_3:
Q: What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A: About 45 pounds!:tongue:
It would be fair to say that the Irishman was smarter than the interviewer
yes, absolutely
another two:
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, “I think I’ve lost an electron.”
The other says, “Are you sure?”
The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”
---------------------------------------------
So, a neutron walks into a bar. "I’d like a beer" he says. The
bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the
neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
shawshankraj
23.03.10, 04:21
Few more:
Son: I want a baby brother.
Mom: Your dad is overseas. When he comes back we will talk over it.
Son: Why don`t u give him a surprise?
An intelligent employee`s prayer-
Lord! Please give me WISDOM to understand my boss and PATIENCE to deal with his moods.
Don`t give me STRENGTH otherwise I`ll kill him�
The Shakespeare Effect
A young lad and his mother were walking down the street when suddenly the boy yelled out excitedly, "Mother, Mother, Look at that bowlegged man!"
His mother immediately hushed him, explaining it was not polite to make fun of bowlegged people.
The next day the same thing happened. "Look mother, there's that bowlegged man!"
The mother grabbed the lad by the arm saying, "When we get home you'll be punished for this outburst."
When they got home, she gave her son a work by Shakespeare, "Go to your room and read this book. You can't come out until you have finished it. Maybe you will learn something from this punishment."
Two days later they're walking down the same street when the boy again, spots the person of whom he had been making fun: "Hark! What manner of men are these, who weareth their legs as parentheses?"
mangathala2002
23.03.10, 13:31
Its not a joke! But pretty good! :smile:
Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lesson 2
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
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Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story
Always let your boss have the first say.
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Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
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Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
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Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
leechmodder
02.04.10, 13:52
Some reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English
1) The bandage was wound around the wound . :biggrin:
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.:rolling_eyes:
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) There is no time like the present, he said it was time to present the present
8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.:tongue:
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.:rolleyes:
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.:klatsch_3:
18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear .:tongue:
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?:stupid:
22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt .
Height of...
Height of Trouble:
A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his ass starts itching....
height of fashion:
1 year old kid asking for low waist diaper
Heights of Stupidity:
a lady after a long search on google realizing that ' phillip's 21 inches' was actually a T.V.
Heights of making a mistake:
A guy takes a blade, writes his girlfriend's name on his arm & makes a spelling mistake.
Height of Bravery:
A naked man bending over to pick up a quarter on an island of gays...
Height of Secrecy:
Offering blank visiting cards.
Height of Stupidity:
A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.
Height of self control:
Looking into the eyes of a topless girl..
Height of desperation:
A vampire sucking blood from a sanitary napkin.....
Height Of Laziness:
A Husband Lying On His Wife & Waiting For An Earth Quake..
Height Of Hope:
Sitting In the Examination Hall, Holding The Question Paper In Hand & Telling Ur Self "Don't Worry Man, Exam Can B Postponed"
Height of Sophistication:
Sucking nipples with a straw.
Height of Technology:
Condom with zip.
Height of Frustration:
A boxer trying to scratch his balls!
Height of Honesty:
A pregnant woman asking the bus conductor for one & a half ticket.
Height of craziness :
Getting blank paper's photo copies.
Height of de-hydration:
Cow giving milk powder.
and lastly...
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Height of Patience :
A naked gal lying beneath a banana tree, waiting for a banana to fall at the right place.
Height of Success :
The banana falls at the right place.
Height of Tragedy :
The entire banana tree falls at the right place.
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shawshankraj
18.04.10, 13:57
Vegetarian Chicken
Each Friday night after work, Santa would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a tandoori chicken and some meat kebabs. But, all of his neighbours were strict Catholics and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating chicken and meat on a Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled meats was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest. The Priest came to visit Santa, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Santa attended Mass and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, “You were born a Sikh, and raised a Sikh, but now, you are a Catholic."
Santa’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived. The wonderful aroma of tandoori chicken and meat kebabs filled the neighbourhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Santa's backyard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Santa, holding a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meats and chanted: "Oye, you waz born a chicken, and you waz born a lamb, you waz raised a chicken, and you waz raised a lamb but now yara (friends), you are a potato and tomato"!
shawshankraj
29.05.10, 12:45
Luxury Cruise
One day Banta walks into a dingy little storefront travel agency, holds up a page out of a newspaper, and says: "You say in this ad that you have a wonderful luxury cruise for only Rs 5000. I want to go on this wonderful luxury cruise."
The guy behind the counter says "Sure. Do you have five thousand in cash??"
"I sure do," says Banta, plunking the money down on the counter.
At that point, two big thugs leap out of a closet, whack Banta over the head, drag his unconscious body out the back door, stuff him in a barrel and drop the barrel into a river that flows past.
A few moments later, Santa walks into the same dingy storefront travel agency, holds up the newspaper ad and says: "I want to go on this wonderful luxury cruise."
The guy behind the counter says: "Sure, you got the fare in cash?"
"Yeah" says Santa, slapping the money on the counter.
Again, the two big thugs leap out, pound him on the head, drag his limp form out the back door, shove him in a barrel and drop it in the river.
After a while, Santa and Banta regain consciousness, and they find out that their barrels are bobbing along together.
Banta says: "Good Afternoon. Tell me, do you happen to know if they serve dinner on this cruise?"
Santa shakes his head and says: "No, I don't think so. At least they didn't last year."
cooldude10
11.06.10, 18:30
I will posting jokes here weekly making the biggest jokes thread :)
One day Bill Gates died and went to heaven.
When he got there he met God.
God said "Where do you want to go Heaven or Hell?"
Bill Gates said, "Can I have a look at them first?"
So God showed him Heaven and there were all people in white drinking wine a playing harps and all the walls were white.
Next God took him to Hell. Bill Gates saw a beautiful beach with gorgeous women in colorful bikinis, all the iced beer a person could drink and everyone was splashing in the water and having fun.
Bill Gates choose Hell.
A few weeks later God went to visit Bill in Hell where he was to tied to a rock and the devils were surrounding him and he screamed to God: "When you let me look at Hell, it was full of gorgeous women, iced beer and fun. What happened??!!?"
God replied, "Oh that? It was only a demo".
---------- Post added at 12:26 ---------- Previous post was at 12:25 ----------
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes."
"I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age it isn't anything we haven't seen before."
"Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!
Didn't know there was already a thread here, I started my own thread but I can post my jokes here too.
A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.
So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button.
Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable.
The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on.
The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.
They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!
There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door.
The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"
To which the guy responds, "Clever, my foot! This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
welcome to the 'future' :eek:
*quote*
Its not a joke! But pretty good! :smile:
*quote*
Bumping these posts, since they're both amusing and educational.
Bumping these posts, since they're both amusing and educational.
damn n i thought u posted a joke
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