Jokes Thread

Printable View

30.03.15, 23:03
Sazzy

Jokes Thread

We need a dedicated jokes thread!
I'll start off with two:

Quote:

A masochist and a sadist go on a date.
It goes well and things start getting hot and heavy.
The masochist turns to the sadist and says "Hit me!".

The sadist says "No."

Quote:

Three women are drinking at a bar.
As the night goes on, they begin talking about how loose their vaginas are.
The first woman boasts that her lover can fit his entire fist in.
The second woman says "That's nothing, my husband was able to fit both of his fists in!"

The third woman laughs, finishes her drink, and slides down the barstool.
31.03.15, 06:09
anon

It looks like this thread is for that kind of jokes, so I'll bite.

Quote:

Father and daughter are traveling through the desert when some bandits rob them, and take even their clothes. After they leave, the daughter tells her father:
- Were you able to save something?
- How would I save something when they've left us completely naked?
Then the daughter takes a diamond ring from her pussy, and says:
- Look, mom taught me this trick.
- Damnit, it's a shame your mother's not here... we could have saved the car.

Quote:

Subway during rush hour, people are traveling like canned sardines. A girl tells a guy:
- Would you please move aside a little? You have something hard in your pants pressing against my thigh.
- Oh, sorry, I'm carrying the envelope with my pay.
- Then you must have an awesome job, because they've given you three raises since the last stop.

Quote:

A dwarf bets a woman much bigger than he is that he can satisfy her twenty times a day, provided it is in the dark and he's allowed to leave for two minutes every half hour to get some air.
She takes the bet. After round no. 15, she can't do it anymore, admits defeat and turns the lights on. She finds herself in bed with a guy she doesn't know.
- Who are you? Where's the ugly guy with glasses?
- Uh, you mean the one selling the tickets at the door?
31.03.15, 14:06
ozymandis

My turn now

Quote:

Man walks into a bar and sits down. Next to him their is a jar full of money with a note, " Make the horse laugh and you get all of the money in the jar." So the man heads for the horse in the empty room of the bar. The man whispers in the horses ear and the horse laughs.
Next night the man comes back. Same horse is standing in the corner. Same jar except with a new note, "Make the horse cry and win all the cash in the jar. cost 15$" So the man walks up the horse and them closes the door. After about 5 seconds he comes out of the empty room and the horse crying. He takes the money then leaves. Comes back the next night. Bartender working all three nights finally asks the guy "How did you make the horse laugh?" Guy says, "Told em' my penis was bigger then his." Bartender says, "Oh well that is pretty funny. Well them how did you make em cry?" Guy says, " I showed em."
31.03.15, 16:40
Sazzy

New thread rule:
You're not allowed to respond without attaching a joke! :lol:

Quote:

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
31.03.15, 18:37
anon

Quote:

John was waiting in line at the supermarket, and spots a beautiful blonde woman at the end, who looks at him, smiles and says hi. He suddenly wonders... "is she greeting me? Where the fuck is this beauty from?". Since she looks familiar he asks:
"Sorry, do we know each other?"
"Sure," she says, "you're the father of one of my kids!"
He starts getting crazy, he's a married man with three children now, so hearing these words from a complete stranger is such a bucket of cold water...
He suddenly remembers the one night he cheated on his wife. Shrugging and slightly confused he says:
"I can't believe it, you're that chick who did the strip-tease at the bachelor party my friends did for me a few years ago... I put you on the billiards table and banged you everywhere (as my friends carefully watched) while your partner greased me up and fisted me from behind... what a great night that was!!!"
"Uhhh... no. I'm your son's English teacher."

Quote:

A stunning chick is walking down the street, when a guy approaches her and says:
- Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?
- For a million dollars!? Well... huh... this is a surprise... but yes, yes! I would sleep with you for one million dollars, we'd just need to see how, where, when...
- Stop, stop. Now I'd like to ask: would you sleep with me for 14 bucks?
- Are you crazy!? What's wrong with you? Fourteen dollars? Who the hell do you think you are? What kind of woman do you think I am?
- Well, the kind of woman you are was already clarified by my first question. We're just haggling now...

Quote:

A guy enters a pharmacy full of people. He says loud and clear, "may I have a condom?", but the pharmacist ignores him.
The guy repeats his request, but much louder this time - "may I have a condom!?!?!?", and the pharmacist, enraged, tells him:
- Sir, please watch your tongue!
- OK, please give me two then.

Quote:

A guy enters the Tiffany jewel store accompanied by a beautiful woman, and together they pick a $5000 diamond for her.
When they're checking out, the guy takes his cheque book and the shopkeeper gets a worried look in his face, for this was the first time in his life he had seen this subject.
The customer, seeing his expression, says:
- I see you're thinking the check may have no funds, right? Well, let's do the following. Since today's a Friday and the bank is closed, you may keep the check and the diamond. Next Monday, as soon as you've cashed the former, ship the jewel to this lady's house, OK?
This reassured the salesman. Next Monday, after attempting to cash the check, he finds out that it effectively has no funds... so he calls the customer, who replies:
- You can break the check now, I've banged her already..!

..
31.03.15, 19:49
Sazzy

Quote:

Three nuns are in a car accident and then find themselves in front of Saint Peter at the Gates of Heaven.
"Welcome, sisters. Before I grant you entry, I must ask you if you kept your vows, including your vow of celibacy."

The first sister approaches Peter and says, "I'm sorry, but I must admit that I once gave the Priest a handjob."

Saint Peter replies, "Do not worry, sister. Here in Heaven all sins are forgiven, just wash your hands in this water and enter the Kingdom of God."

The next sister approaches, but before she can say anything, she's pushed out of the way by the third sister.

"But, sister," Peter says, "there's no reason to rush, you will all be granted entry into the Kingdom of God."
"I know that," says the nun, "but I want to wash my mouth out before sister Mary here washes her ass in that water."

..... :lol:
08.04.15, 15:41
anon

Quote:

Three guys, a Frenchman, an American and a Mexican (whom thought of themselves as the fastest in the world) were arguing after having a few drinks:
"I," the Frenchman said, "can get to the tallest point of the Eiffel tower, throw a couple of ice cubes, and run all the way to the ground to catch them with a drinking glass."
"That's nothing," the American said. "My latest feat was throwing a coin from the top of the Empire State Building, running down to the street and landing it inside my pocket."
"Have I already told you," the Mexican asked, about that time when I got to the roopftop of the Latin-American Tower, pulled down my pants, took a tremendous shit, and..."
"Yeah, yeah, we've already heard that story," said the other two. "You ran all the way down and caught the shit with a toilet..."
"No, that's not what happened. When I got to the street and looked upwards, I could still see my ass!"

Quote:

A teenage couple after making love:
- Dear, I think what we've just done is not good...
- Come on, Lucy, don't be stupid, no one will ever find out.
- But... what if I end up pregnant?
- Don't be silly, a guy as experienced as me always thinks of everything. Do you know what condoms are?
- Aaah... yes!
- Well... I took six!

Quote:

A guy was desperate because nature had endowed him with a tremendous penis: 50 cm! And every time he wanted to get laid, women ran away in terror.
One day he meets a friend and tells him about his problem. The friend offers an amazing solution:
- To solve your problem you must travel to the Amazon and look for the bright-eyed frog... once you find it you ask "little frog, little frog, can you suck my dong?", the frog will answer NO and your dick will automatically shrink by 10 cm.
After a long argument with his friend, thinking he was making fun of his disgrace, the man decides he has nothing to lose and goes on a trip to the Amazon. Once there, he delves into the forest in search of the bright-eyed frog.
Once several hours of walking have passed he is surprised to find the bright-eyed frog in the middle of a swamp. Still skeptical, he approaches the frog and says:
- Little frog, little frog, can you suck my dong?
To which the frog answers:
- NO.
And his dick automatically shrinks by 10 cm. The guy thinks it through and decides 40 cm is still a lot, so he asks the frog once more:
- Little frog, little frog, can you suck my dong?
And before the frog second NO, his dick shrinks to 30 cm.
"Well," this man thinks, "30 cm is not at all bad but it still might be too much."
So he approaches the frog for the last time and asks:
- Little frog, little frog, can you suck my dong?
To which the frog, angry, responds:
- I've already told you, NO, NO and NO.

..
11.04.15, 08:32
anon

One that made me laugh a lot today :lol:

Quote:

A gay couple was traveling on a plane. One of them tells the other:
"Hey, how about we do it right here?"
"Huh? What's wrong with you!? Everyone would see us!"
"No way, they're all asleep! I'll show you."
He stands up and asks aloud, "anyone here has a cigarette?". No one answers.
"See? Nobody will see anything!"
"Okay, I guess you're right..."
So they proceed to making love on the plane seats.

An hour later, there was an old man some seats behind freezing to death... a flight attendant sees him and asks:
"Sir, why did you not ask for a blanket?"
"Are you crazy!? The guy over there asked for a cigarette and they buttfucked him!"
13.04.15, 04:42
anon

Quote:

A high school Biology teacher is lecturing her students about the hyena.
"The hyena is an animal living in the heart of Africa. It eats carrion, mates once a year and makes a sound similar to human laughter."
Then she asks:
"Let's see, Paul, what did you learn in this class?"
"The hyena is an animal that lives in the heart of Africa, eats carrion, mates once a year and makes a sound like human laughter."
"Excellent. What about you, Charlie?"
"The hyena lives far from here, in Africa I think, eats rotten meat, makes love once a year and laughs like people."
"Well, you got the idea... Johnny, what's the matter?"
"Teacher, there's something I don't understand... this 'hyena', living so far away, eating crap and fucking so little... what the hell is it laughing about?"

Quote:

A guy goes to a costume shop and asks for the best they've got. The shopkeeper offers a Batman costume.
"How much does it cost?"
"Five hundred dollars."
This is too expensive for the man, so he asks for a cheaper one.
"We have a Robin one for $400," the shopkeeper tells him.
"Don't you have something a little more accessible?"
Somewhat desperate, he replies:
"How much money do you have?"
"Five dollars."
"Five... okay, let's see... a five-dollar costume..."
Then he hands over a rumba shaker. The customer asks, surprised:
"A shaker? What could I possibly dress up as with this?"
"It's easy, just shove it up your ass and boom! You're a rattlesnake!"

Quote:

A man in his fifties buys a BMW and drives it on the highway, at full speed.
Moments later, he spots the red and blue lights of a police car chasing him.
"There's no way they'll reach me on this car," he thought, and kept hitting the gas pedal.
Almost immediately, though, he realizes he could get in big trouble, and stops at the side of the road.
The policeman gets close, doesn't utter a word, takes his driving license, looks at the man very carefully, walks around the car, and finally says:
"Look, it's been a heavy Friday, and I'm just about to finish my shift. I don't want to do any paperwork, so, if you can give me an excuse for speeding I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man thinks it through for a few seconds and answers:
"Last week my wife ran away with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Okay, have a great weekend..."

..
16.04.15, 04:24
anon

Quote:

A psychologist is running a screening test for a company that wants to hire new employees. The first applicant steps in:
"Count to ten, please," says the psychologist.
"Ten, nine, either, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one."
"What's up with that way of counting?"
"Oops, sorry! I'm used to counting backwards because of my old job. I worked at NASA."

Another applicant steps in:
"Count to ten."
"One, three, five, seven, nine, ten, eight, six, four, two."
"But... why do you count like that?"
"Sorry, I used to be a mailman, and would first go through houses on odd street numbers, then the even ones."

The psychologist, close to having a nervous breakdown at this point, asks the third applicant to come in.
"Before we begin, please tell me... what's your previous job?"
"I'm actually a college student."
"Oh, excellent. You should have no problem with the following request. Would you count to ten?"
"Sure! One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, jack, queen and king."

Quote:

A blind man is begging for change in a street corner. A tourist walks by and drops a coin inside the man's tin jar, but it hits the edge and falls outside.
The blind man ducks, takes it and puts it in the jar. Shocked, the tourist looks at him and says:
"No way... you're a scammer! You are not blind! You only deceive people, scoundrel!"
"Sir, please calm down. The blind man is very ill and I'm covering for him."
"Oh, okay... but who are you?"
"I'm the deafmute from the other block."

..
17.04.15, 16:24
anon

Quote:

In a restaurant, a lady suddenly screams:
"Help! My son is choking! He swallowed a coin and can't breathe!"
Some guy gets up from his table, grabs the boy by the balls and does a strong pull. The kid immediately spits the coin out.
The guy returns to his table and sits down as if nothing had happened.
The kid's mother, really grateful for this, approaches him and says:
"Thanks so much, sir! What an effective method! Are you a doctor or work at the Red Cross?"
"No. I'm a tax auditor."

Quote:

A student at the Navy Academy is taking an oral exam.
"Imagine you're off shore waiting for permission to enter, and a strong wind rises from the sea. What would you do if you cannot start the engine up?"
"I'd anchor the ship to the sea floor."
"What if the wind speeds up?"
"I'd use another anchor."
"What if it continues increasing in speed?"
"I'd ask for another anchor."
"And if there's another, more severe increase?"
"I'd throw yet another anchor."
"May I know where you would procure so many anchors?"
"Same place your wind comes from, motherfucker!"

Quote:

One day, St. Peter was doing some routine checkup on the Heavenly Gates, when he noticed one of them had broken and thus needed to be repaired. He walked out and headed towards the queue of people waiting for their turn to enter.
"Are there any blacksmiths here?"
Three men rose their hands: a Chinese, an Italian and an Argentine. St. Peter asked them to look at the door and make a cost estimate. The Chinese checks it and says:
"Nine hundred dollars is enough. Three hundred for materials, three hundred for workmanship, three hundred for me."
The Italian came next, and he thoroughly checked every part of the door:
"Mamma mia, these are the most beautiful gates I have ever seen! I could almost says they were made in Italy - Florence, to be more specific, during the Renaissance. A true masterpiece. The cost of fixing them would be three thousand dollars: one thousand for materials, one thousand for the fine Italian workmanship, and one thousand for me."
The Argentine comes next. He has a quick look at the door and says:
"Look, Pete, for $2900 this gate is going to be fuckin' A. One thousand for you, one thousand for me, and we hire the chink with the rest."

..
19.04.15, 03:53
anon

Quote:

A guy is walking around the zoo, when suddenly the manager appears, stops him, and offers $5000 for wearing a gorilla suit and acting as one. It so happens, he says, that the one they had died and it takes a long time to get another.
"Sure," the guy says, "for that amount I'll dress myself up as anything."
So he gets inside the suit, enters the cage and and sits down. Some primary school kids pass by and start shouting:
"This gorilla is useless, he doesn't do anything, take him out!"
The manager approaches and tells him to do something, anything, to avoid getting caught. The guy spots a vine, hangs from it and starts swinging and swinging until the vine is cut off, and he falls inside the lions' cage. Scared to death about this, he starts shouting:
"Help, get me out of here! Please! I'm not a gorilla, I'm not a gorilla!"
Then a lion approaches him and says:
"Shut up, dumbass, you'll blow our covers!"

Quote:

Four friends in college take a night out the weekend before a final exam, to a neighboring country, and have a great time. But after so much partying, they sleep through all of Sunday and don't manage to return to their country until Monday morning. Instead of attending the final, they decide to skip it, then talk to their professor and explain the "reason" for this: they'd gone on a trip for the weekend and planned to return on Sunday to study, but unfortunately got a flat tire on their way back, didn't have any tools with them, and no one offered to help them on the road; thus, as a result, they missed the exam.
The professor thought it through and agreed to take their exams the following day. The four friends were happy. They studied all night long and arrived the following day. The professor put them on separate rooms and handed each one their copy of the test. The first question was worth 5 points and very easy. "Excellent," they thought on their separate places, "this is going to be quick."
They all answered it and turned the page. On the second one was written:
"(95 pts.) Which tire got flat?"

..
23.04.15, 17:12
anon

Something semi-bad happened to me today (more details later), so I'll try to relax a little posting here some more.

Quote:

A new father at a parish was so nervous at his first sermon, he almost couldn't speak.
Before his second one, he asked the monsignor what he could do to relax. The monsignor adviced him to put a little vodka in his water next time, before getting on the pulpit, and after a few sips everything would turn out much better.
Next Sunday, he took the advice and felt he could preach in the middle of a storm - in other words, truly great.
After returning to the parish's rectory, he found a note from the monsignor reading:
"Dear Father,
1. Next time take sips, not gulps.
2. Don't put a lemon slice in the cup.
3. The missal is not a coaster.
4. The blanket with Our Savior Jesus Christ's image should not be used as a napkin.
5. The Commandments are ten, not twelve.
6. The Apostles were twelve, not ten.
7. We do not refer to the Cross as "that huge-ass T".
8. We do not refer to O.S.J.C. and the Apostles as "JC & His Gang".
9. David defeated Goliath with a sling and a rock, he never kicked his ass.
10. We do not refer to Judas as "the snitch".
11. The Pope is sacred, not castrated, and we do not refer to him as "The Godfather".
12. The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit are not "the Old Man, Junior and the Long-Lost Brother".
13. Judas betrayed Jesus at the Sanhedrin, he did not "sell him in the black market", and it was for 30 silver coins, not "two grand".

Sincerely, the Monsignor"

Quote:

A trucker is driving through the highway. He spots a man dressed completely in red on the horizon. The truck keeps getting closer, but the man won't step aside. He flashes the beacon lights but nothing happens, the man just won't move. The trucker hits the brakes and ends up just one meter away from hitting him. He steps out of the truck and the man in red tells him:
"I am the homosexual in red. Do you have something to eat?"
The trucker stares at him and answers:
"Are you stupid or what!? Can't you see I almost hit you?"
He gets back on his truck and continues driving; some time later, he spots another man standing in the distance, dressed completely in white. He flashes the lights again, but the guy won't move away. The trucker brakes violently once again, and faces the man, who says:
"I am the homosexual in white. Do you have something to drink?"
The trucker yells:
"What is it with you fags? Can't you see I almost run you over!? Go piss off someone else!"
Once more, he gets back on the truck and keeps on driving. After a while, he spots yet another man, dressed completely in blue this time. Flashing the lights doesn't make him move aside either. He stops, steps out of the truck and shouts:
"Let's see, blue faggot!? What the fuck do you want!?"
The man answers:
"For starters, show me your ID and driver's license, sir."

Quote:

A guy enters a bar and sees his friend collapsed on a table, half drunk, taking little sips from his eight drink.
"What's wrong, Fernando?"
"Remember the new secretary at my company I told you about? The one I like so much and gets me hard every time I see her?"
"Yes! What's wrong with her?"
"Well, yesterday I finally dared to ask her out, sent her an e-mail asking if it was okay to pick her up at home at 8pm, and she said yes!"
"Great! That's awesome! And what happened next?"
"Before picking her up, knowing that I get like a bike every time I see her, I taped my dick to my leg with duct tape just in case... so that she wouldn't notice... you understand, right?"
"Yes, of course... very watchful from you? So what?"
"Well, when I rang her doorbell and she opened the door, she was wearing a miniskirt and a killer cleavage..."
"And what happened?"
"...I ended up kicking her in the face so hard, she lost three teeth..."
22.05.15, 04:46
anon

Some Little Johnny jokes to revive this thread :gwink:

Quote:

A teacher at a primary school asks her brilliant pupils to write an essay covering the following subjects:
* SEX
* MONARCHY
* RELIGION
* MYSTERY
To motivate them into working, she promised the first one to finish could leave and go home earlier.
A few seconds later, Johnny raises his hand and says he's already done.
Not believing it, the teacher asks him to read his text, which he does:
"They fucked the Queen! My God! Whodunnit?"

Quote:

"Mom, mom, we learned how to make explosives at school today."
"That's great, Johnny, and what are you going to learn at school tomorrow?"
"What school?"

Quote:

Johnny's father decides it's time to have a man to man talk with his son and tell him about sex, so he calls him and says:
"Johnny, do you already know about the birds and the bees?"
Johnny starts crying outrageously and screams:
"I don't want to know, dad, I don't want to know!!!"
Confused, the dad asks him what was wrong, to which he replies:
"When I was six you told me Santa Claus doesn't exist, when I was seven you told me Superman doesn't exist, when I was eight you told me the tooth fairy doesn't exist... if you tell me sex doesn't exist now, I'll have nothing left to believe in!!!"

Quote:

Johnny is late for school and the teacher asks him:
"Why weren't you here yesterday?"
"My parents got into a fight."
"What does that have to do with you not coming here?"
"The problem is that my mom threw an ashtray at my dad, he ducked and it broke the bathroom mirror."
"And what kind of reason is that for you to miss school?"
"Well, I got up early, I went to brush my teeth and when combing I didn't see myself in the mirror, so I thought 'this kid's gone to school already'."

Quote:

At school, the teacher is asking her pupils what they want to do when they grow up. She asks Louis and he replies:
"I want to be an architect, and if I don't do well, a cartoonist."
"Very good, Louis... and you, Mary?"
"I want to be a gymnast, and if I don't do well, a P.E. teacher."
"Okay, what about you, Johnny?"
"I want women and champagne."
The teacher takes a bit to "process" this answer, then replies:
"...and what if you can't get them?"
"Wanking and Pepsi."

Quote:

A teacher was writing on the blackboard and she accidentally drops the chalk. She ducks to pick it up, and as she's wearing a miniskirt, all the pupils laugh. The teacher asks:
"Whoever's seen anything will be suspended!"
She looks at one and asks
"You, what did you see?"
"I saw your calves."
"Suspended for one month! Get out!"
Another:
"You, what did you see?"
"I saw the thighs."
"Suspended for two months! Get out!"
Another:
"You, what did you see?"
"I saw part of a buttock."
"Suspended for three months! Get out!"
To Johnny:
"You, Johnny, what did you see?"
"...alright, guys, see you next year."