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Thread: Psychiater - Witze

  1. #1
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    Psychiater - Witze

    Neulich bei der Psychiater-Hotline:

    Ring-Ring-Ring...Klick!


    "Hallo bei der Psychiatrie-Hotline.

    Wenn sie sich bedroht fühlen, drücken Sie die 1 - Aber schnell!

    Wenn Sie kein Selbstvertrauen haben, dann bitten Sie jemand anderes, die 2 zu drücken!

    Falls Sie eine gespaltene Persönlichkeit haben, dann drücken Sie die 3, die 4, die 5 und die 6!

    Wenn Sie unter Verfolgungswahn leiden, dann wissen wir, wer Sie sind und was Sie wollen. Bleiben Sie solange in der Leitung, bis wir den Anruf zurückverfolgt haben!

    Wenn Sie schizophren sind, dann hören Sie auf die Stimmen. Sie sagen Ihnen, welche Nummer Sie drücken müssen!

    Falls Sie manisch-depressiv sind, spielt es keine Rolle, welche Nummer Sie drücken:
    Niemand hört Ihnen zu..."

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Bedrängnis

    "Erzählen Sie mir in eigenen Worten, was sie bedrängt",
    sagt der Psychologe seinem Patienten.

    Na ja.

    Alles fing an, als ich heiratete:

    Meine Frau hatte eine erwachsene Tochter, die somit meine Stieftochter wurde.
    Mein Vater kam auf Besuch, verliebte sich in meine Stieftochter und heiratete sie.
    So wurde aus meiner Stieftochter gleichzeitig meine Stiefmutter.
    Meine Frau bekam einen Sohn.
    Aus ihm wurde automatisch der Schwager meines Vaters, weil dies der Stiefbruder der mit meinem Vater verheirateten Stieftochter ist.
    Weil der Junge der Bruder meiner Stiefmutter ist, ist er demnach auch mein Onkel.
    Die Frau meines Vaters bekam auch einen Sohn.
    Dies ist mein Bruder, obwohl ich gleichzeitig sein Opa bin.
    Er ist ja der Sohn meiner Stieftochter.
    Meine Frau ist meine Oma, da sie die Mutter meiner Stiefmutter ist.
    Daraus folgt, dass ich der Enkel meiner eigenen Frau bin.
    Wenn man die Tatsache in Betracht nimmt, dass ich mit meiner Großmutter verheiratet bin, bin ich nicht nur der Mann meiner Frau und ihr Enkel,
    sondern mein eigener Großvater.

    Das bedrängt mich!"


    mfg
    Last edited by v6ph1; 18.11.09 at 19:12.


    stop animal experiments, take child molesters - they like pain!
    Wir sollten aufhören die Opfer zu beweinen!
    Wir müssen anfangen die Schuldigen zu bestrafen!

    Bitte um Beachtung! - Für Rauchen unter 18 bekommt man eine Verwarnung - Für unangeschnalltes Fahren eine Geldstrafe - Für Mord ein paar Jahre - Bei Waffenhandel eine minimale Gefängnisstrafe - Als Raubkopierer bis zu 5 Jahre und saftige Geldstrafe... ... doch wenn man ein Kind vergewaltigt, eine sinnlose Therapie??? Darum: HÄRTERE GESETZE GEGEN KINDERSCHÄNDER!

    Besser man bereut was man getan hat, anstatt zu bereuen das man es unterlassen hat

    http://www.sb-innovation.de/f227/ers...mahnung-16423/

    http://www.sb-innovation.de/f227/akt...hnwerke-14268/

    https://epetitionen.bundestag.de/ind...ction=register


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    Se7Ven (18.11.09) , Nickname (18.11.09)

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    LOL gerne mehr davon
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  4. #3
    VIP Alienhunter Champion, Cubicle Warfare Champion, Knife Throw Champion, Mega Fortress Champion, Gas Attack! Champion, Radial Sudden Death Champion, Zombie Swarn Champion, Onslaught Champion, Moshing Champion, Thapa Ka Thappad Champion, Rapid Reaction Master Champion, Potion Panic Champion, Dead Frontier Night Three Champion, Zwill Champion, Kumkang Champion, Baby Kiss Champion, Hand Jibe Champion, Darten Champion, Salad Dodger Champion, Handbags at dawn Champion, Mr Garden Champion, Barbarian Champion, Raft Wars Champion, Under Cover Champion, Jonnys Deep Sea Snapshots Champion, The Enforcer Champion, Get Flippy Champion, Blackbeard's Island Champion, Moorhuhn Piraten Champion, Magic Arrow Champion, Air Balls Champion, Super Paint Ball Champion, Power Ball Challenge Champion, ReBound 3 Headshot Machine Gun Automatic Champion, When Balls Attack Champion, When Balls Attack Champion, Balloony Champion, Prehistoric Champion, Evil Care Bears Champion, Balloon Shoot Champion, Emperors Runaway Cart Champion, Trail For Snail Champion, Daffy Jumper Champion, Beermat Champion, Three of a Kind Champion, Wake Up Calls Champion, Crazy Block Breaker Champion, Bomb Bandits Champion, Conquer Antartica Champion, Sprout Invaders Champion, Dropkick The Faint Champion, Drop Kick Champion, Insects Champion, Hardware Hurl Champion, Shoot The Flies Champion, Free Fall Champion, Cheesehead Or Deadhead Champion, Master Of The Lawn Champion, Santa's Showdown  Champion, Halloween Hangman Champion, Dodge City Darts Champion, Gay SnowBall Game Champion, Alex In Danger Champion, Terrorist Hunt Full Champion, Snow Day Champion, Hammered Champion, B-Ball Shootout Champion, Knife Champion, Sitting At A Bar Champion, Fastfood Follies Champion, Bomb Darts Champion, A Ski Champion, Apple Season Champion, BmxRamps 2 Champion, Ninja Hunter Normal Champion, Squid Hunter Squids Champion, Suicide Puppy Champion, Kick Santa Champion, Snow Boarding Champion, Lolly Candy Factory Champion, Snow Seige Champion, Crash Test Dummy Curling Champion, Jumping Bananas Champion, Kill Kitties Champion, Puppy Juggling Champion, A Dog For All Seasons Champion, Clay Kitten Shooting 1 Champion, Kicker Champion, Star Craft Flash Champion, Sniper Champion, Penguin Pool Champion, George Wants Beer Champion, Ball Shooter Champion, Law Of The West Champion, NLOS Cannon Challenge Champion, Stress Relief Paintball Champion, Boris The Bandit Champion, Obstruction Euro Cup 2008 Champion, Crack Shot Champion, Counterstrike - Lite Champion, Garage Door Tennis Champion, Glow Shooter Champion, Star Fly Champion, Paint Ball Champion, Cowboys Champion, Delta Fighter Champion, Counter-Strike Champion, Roly Poly Champion, Shoot the devil Champion, Katocan Champion, Boat Hunt Champion, R-Shot v4 Champion, Chicken Shootout Champion, SHoots and Ladders Champion, Downhill Champion, Star Wars Champion, Shoot the Gatso Champion, Bonus Pong Champion, Euro 2008 Champion, Open Range Champion, Mini Golf Champion, Operation Switchover Champion, Plasma Burst - Forward to the past Champion, Air Invasion Champion, Agumaze Champion, Aquanox Champion, Ping Pong Champion, Aggressive Alpine Skiing Champion, Pinch Hitter Champion, Crazy Battle Champion, Kicker Koenig Champion, Nut The Taps Champion, Office Hoops Champion, 3D Tanks Champion, The Fisher Champion, Staple the S#!% Out of Kevin Pollak Champion, Bush Shootout test Champion, Bullseye Blaster 2 Champion, Flexi Combat Champion, President Rescue Champion, Kill Little Bastards Champion, Catch Roo Champion, ShootOut Champion, Skeet Shoot Champion, New York Defender Champion, Drive By Shooting Champion, Head to Head Champion, Frantic Killer Champion, Dart Shooter Champion, Rapid Randy Champion, Mini Bet On Soldier Champion, A Game Of 3 Halves Champion, ROFLattack! Champion, Destructionism Champion, Island Bowling Champion, Head Blast Champion, JawaShoot Champion, Shoot Em Up Champion, SlamDunk Champion, Xtreme Skateboarding Champion, Quake Eggs Champion, Celebrity Power Lifte Champion, Shoeting Gallery Champion, UFO Glow Champion, Foxhole 13 Champion, Tower Blaster Champion, Iconien Champion, Defend the Attack Champion, Battle Garden Champion, Sniper Range Champion, Starship Champion, Cock Shooter 2 Champion, Easy Target Champion, Bin Laden Liquors Champion, Neverland Champion, Don't Eat Grandma Champion, Kill Tweety Champion, Against War Champion, Shape Shooter 3 Champion, Beaver Blast Champion, The Perilous Voyage Champion, Canyon Shooter Champion, Candy Shoot Champion, Brainiac Champion, 30 Sec Monkey Hunt Champion, Clash N Slash Champion, COLOR-RADO Champion, Cow Tipping Champion, Blobstar Champion, Rat Shooter Champion, Ren & Stimpy - Crazy Cannon Champion, Another non-African Safari Champion, Cock Shooter Champion, Your Face Champion, Chicken Attack Champion, Special Operations Champion, Epic Riffs - Easy Champion, Shoot Typing Champion, Terrorist Attack Champion, Weapons Dealer Champion, Damn Birds! Champion, Water Chick Champion, Milk Panic Champion, Touch The Bubbles Champion, Musik Marathon Champion, Colorwars Champion, Shooting Fish Champion, Pigeon Hunter Champion, Death Dice Champion, Wild Boar Hunt Champion, Bloody Seal Bounce Champion, KGB Hunters v32 Champion, Miniwitch Darts  Champion, Vinnies Shootingyard 2 Champion, At Home - Spot the Difference Champion, A Windy Day Champion, Jumping Troll Champion, Barnville Massacre Champion, Grandpa Launcher Champion, High Tide Champion, Knife Throw 2 Champion, Diving Champion Champion, Colorbot 2 Arcade Champion
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    Neulich in der Sauna...

    „Auch nicht schlecht…“ grinste der Mann, als er langsam aufstand, um Bergland-Mandelöl auf die Saunasteine zu tröpfeln. Dabei fielen drei leere Flaschen Veltins um. Da klebte doch die aktuelle Ausgabe der heutigen Bild-Zeitung ziemlich fest an seinem verschwitzten Hinterteil. „Da wird das Bild von Benno noch ein paar Tage an meiner Fott zu erkennen sein. Zum Glück isses nicht der Schaaf. Sonst wär es ja ein Schaafott.“. Und sein kehliges Lachen schallte durch die ganze Anstalt.

    Da klingelte das Handy. Wieder einmal. Als Klingelton läuft „Sexy Bitch“.

    „Jaaaa?“ brüllte der Mann in das Handy und brachte damit auch den Klingelton zum verstummen.

    Eine blecherne Computerstimme ertönte am anderen Ende der langen Leitung: „Gu-Ten Tag. Bit-Te War-Ten Sie. Sie Wer-Den Ver-Bun-Den“, dazu dudelte „I wanna be your drill instructor“ jetzt.

    „Na, watt kommt denn jetzt wohl?“ überlegte der Mann während durch die geschlossene Saunatür ein rot-weiß-gestreifter Papagei hineingeflogen kam. „Der Polizeipräsident von Sylt? Bruce Willis wieder? Oder dieser komische Handballtorwart? Naja, es könnte auch der Silvio Heinevetter sein um ein paar Insider-Tipps zu erhaschen!“.

    Währenddessen immer noch der „drill instructor“ läuft, räuspert sich der Papagei und packte erstmal eine Zigarre aus. Die Pizza war inzwischen kalt. Käse ist auf den Boden getropft. Und der Mann sehnte sich nach der Zigarre. Plötzlich eine Stimme im Handy.

    „Hier spricht Edgar Wallace!“

    „Ach nee. Der Hexer.“


    mfg


    stop animal experiments, take child molesters - they like pain!
    Wir sollten aufhören die Opfer zu beweinen!
    Wir müssen anfangen die Schuldigen zu bestrafen!

    Bitte um Beachtung! - Für Rauchen unter 18 bekommt man eine Verwarnung - Für unangeschnalltes Fahren eine Geldstrafe - Für Mord ein paar Jahre - Bei Waffenhandel eine minimale Gefängnisstrafe - Als Raubkopierer bis zu 5 Jahre und saftige Geldstrafe... ... doch wenn man ein Kind vergewaltigt, eine sinnlose Therapie??? Darum: HÄRTERE GESETZE GEGEN KINDERSCHÄNDER!

    Besser man bereut was man getan hat, anstatt zu bereuen das man es unterlassen hat

    http://www.sb-innovation.de/f227/ers...mahnung-16423/

    http://www.sb-innovation.de/f227/akt...hnwerke-14268/

    https://epetitionen.bundestag.de/ind...ction=register


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    Member Alien Bounce Champion, 13 Days in Hell Easy Champion, Dog Fight Champion, Destory The Peace Champion, Flower Girl Champion, Dabbawalla International Champion, Clean Sagar Champion, 20000 Feet And Falling Champion, Crypt Raider Champion, March Champion, Panic Room Champion, The Turtles Champion, Balloon Maze Champion, Baby Descruction Champion, Money Money Money Champion, Bonus Pong Champion, Santa's Gift Jump Champion, Alpha Force Champion, Target Champion, Agent Footy Champion, Aim and Fire Champion, Snipers Champion, Hacky Sack Champion, Bullet Time Champion, Sperman - Odisea Anal Champion supermarrioh's Avatar
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    Kein guter Antiwitz
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  7. #5
    VIP Alienhunter Champion, Cubicle Warfare Champion, Knife Throw Champion, Mega Fortress Champion, Gas Attack! Champion, Radial Sudden Death Champion, Zombie Swarn Champion, Onslaught Champion, Moshing Champion, Thapa Ka Thappad Champion, Rapid Reaction Master Champion, Potion Panic Champion, Dead Frontier Night Three Champion, Zwill Champion, Kumkang Champion, Baby Kiss Champion, Hand Jibe Champion, Darten Champion, Salad Dodger Champion, Handbags at dawn Champion, Mr Garden Champion, Barbarian Champion, Raft Wars Champion, Under Cover Champion, Jonnys Deep Sea Snapshots Champion, The Enforcer Champion, Get Flippy Champion, Blackbeard's Island Champion, Moorhuhn Piraten Champion, Magic Arrow Champion, Air Balls Champion, Super Paint Ball Champion, Power Ball Challenge Champion, ReBound 3 Headshot Machine Gun Automatic Champion, When Balls Attack Champion, When Balls Attack Champion, Balloony Champion, Prehistoric Champion, Evil Care Bears Champion, Balloon Shoot Champion, Emperors Runaway Cart Champion, Trail For Snail Champion, Daffy Jumper Champion, Beermat Champion, Three of a Kind Champion, Wake Up Calls Champion, Crazy Block Breaker Champion, Bomb Bandits Champion, Conquer Antartica Champion, Sprout Invaders Champion, Dropkick The Faint Champion, Drop Kick Champion, Insects Champion, Hardware Hurl Champion, Shoot The Flies Champion, Free Fall Champion, Cheesehead Or Deadhead Champion, Master Of The Lawn Champion, Santa's Showdown  Champion, Halloween Hangman Champion, Dodge City Darts Champion, Gay SnowBall Game Champion, Alex In Danger Champion, Terrorist Hunt Full Champion, Snow Day Champion, Hammered Champion, B-Ball Shootout Champion, Knife Champion, Sitting At A Bar Champion, Fastfood Follies Champion, Bomb Darts Champion, A Ski Champion, Apple Season Champion, BmxRamps 2 Champion, Ninja Hunter Normal Champion, Squid Hunter Squids Champion, Suicide Puppy Champion, Kick Santa Champion, Snow Boarding Champion, Lolly Candy Factory Champion, Snow Seige Champion, Crash Test Dummy Curling Champion, Jumping Bananas Champion, Kill Kitties Champion, Puppy Juggling Champion, A Dog For All Seasons Champion, Clay Kitten Shooting 1 Champion, Kicker Champion, Star Craft Flash Champion, Sniper Champion, Penguin Pool Champion, George Wants Beer Champion, Ball Shooter Champion, Law Of The West Champion, NLOS Cannon Challenge Champion, Stress Relief Paintball Champion, Boris The Bandit Champion, Obstruction Euro Cup 2008 Champion, Crack Shot Champion, Counterstrike - Lite Champion, Garage Door Tennis Champion, Glow Shooter Champion, Star Fly Champion, Paint Ball Champion, Cowboys Champion, Delta Fighter Champion, Counter-Strike Champion, Roly Poly Champion, Shoot the devil Champion, Katocan Champion, Boat Hunt Champion, R-Shot v4 Champion, Chicken Shootout Champion, SHoots and Ladders Champion, Downhill Champion, Star Wars Champion, Shoot the Gatso Champion, Bonus Pong Champion, Euro 2008 Champion, Open Range Champion, Mini Golf Champion, Operation Switchover Champion, Plasma Burst - Forward to the past Champion, Air Invasion Champion, Agumaze Champion, Aquanox Champion, Ping Pong Champion, Aggressive Alpine Skiing Champion, Pinch Hitter Champion, Crazy Battle Champion, Kicker Koenig Champion, Nut The Taps Champion, Office Hoops Champion, 3D Tanks Champion, The Fisher Champion, Staple the S#!% Out of Kevin Pollak Champion, Bush Shootout test Champion, Bullseye Blaster 2 Champion, Flexi Combat Champion, President Rescue Champion, Kill Little Bastards Champion, Catch Roo Champion, ShootOut Champion, Skeet Shoot Champion, New York Defender Champion, Drive By Shooting Champion, Head to Head Champion, Frantic Killer Champion, Dart Shooter Champion, Rapid Randy Champion, Mini Bet On Soldier Champion, A Game Of 3 Halves Champion, ROFLattack! Champion, Destructionism Champion, Island Bowling Champion, Head Blast Champion, JawaShoot Champion, Shoot Em Up Champion, SlamDunk Champion, Xtreme Skateboarding Champion, Quake Eggs Champion, Celebrity Power Lifte Champion, Shoeting Gallery Champion, UFO Glow Champion, Foxhole 13 Champion, Tower Blaster Champion, Iconien Champion, Defend the Attack Champion, Battle Garden Champion, Sniper Range Champion, Starship Champion, Cock Shooter 2 Champion, Easy Target Champion, Bin Laden Liquors Champion, Neverland Champion, Don't Eat Grandma Champion, Kill Tweety Champion, Against War Champion, Shape Shooter 3 Champion, Beaver Blast Champion, The Perilous Voyage Champion, Canyon Shooter Champion, Candy Shoot Champion, Brainiac Champion, 30 Sec Monkey Hunt Champion, Clash N Slash Champion, COLOR-RADO Champion, Cow Tipping Champion, Blobstar Champion, Rat Shooter Champion, Ren & Stimpy - Crazy Cannon Champion, Another non-African Safari Champion, Cock Shooter Champion, Your Face Champion, Chicken Attack Champion, Special Operations Champion, Epic Riffs - Easy Champion, Shoot Typing Champion, Terrorist Attack Champion, Weapons Dealer Champion, Damn Birds! Champion, Water Chick Champion, Milk Panic Champion, Touch The Bubbles Champion, Musik Marathon Champion, Colorwars Champion, Shooting Fish Champion, Pigeon Hunter Champion, Death Dice Champion, Wild Boar Hunt Champion, Bloody Seal Bounce Champion, KGB Hunters v32 Champion, Miniwitch Darts  Champion, Vinnies Shootingyard 2 Champion, At Home - Spot the Difference Champion, A Windy Day Champion, Jumping Troll Champion, Barnville Massacre Champion, Grandpa Launcher Champion, High Tide Champion, Knife Throw 2 Champion, Diving Champion Champion, Colorbot 2 Arcade Champion
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    Kommt ein Mann in eine Kneipe, setzt sich an die Theke und bestellt einen Bier und ein Korn, trinkt und geht aufs Klo. Kommt wieder, bestellt einen Bier und einen Korn, trinkt und geht aufs Klo. Und so weiter und so weiter, ungefähr zwölf Mal. Schließlich spricht der Wirt ihn an:

    "Sagen Sie mal, das ist doch nicht normal, daß Sie nach jedem Bier und Korn auf Klo müssen!" "Ich weiß", sagt der Mann, "aber ich kann nichts dagegen machen. Ich muß einfach." Der Wirt rät ihm: "Dann gehen Sie doch mal zum Arzt. So was läßt sich doch bestimmt behandeln."

    Etwa 6 Wochen später kommt der Mann wieder in die Kneipe, bestellt einen Bier und einen Korn, trinkt, bestellt, trinkt, bestellt, trinkt usw. usw. und geht kein einziges Mal auf's Klo. Sagt der Wirt zu ihm: "Sind Sie nicht der, der vor einigen Wochen immer zur Toilette mußte?"
    "Ja, bin ich."
    "Nun, wie ich sehe, haben Sie meinen Rat befolgt und waren mal beim Arzt. Der hat Ihnen ja wohl geholfen."
    "Nee", meint der Mann, "der Arzt konnte mir nicht helfen. Ich war dann beim Psychiater."
    "Was", staunt der Wirt, "und der konnte das abstellen???!!"
    "Nee, nee, konnte er nicht. Aber er hat mir die Hemmungen genommen - jetzt pinkel ich unter die Theke!!!"

    mfg
    Last edited by Snitlev; 28.11.09 at 10:09.


    stop animal experiments, take child molesters - they like pain!
    Wir sollten aufhören die Opfer zu beweinen!
    Wir müssen anfangen die Schuldigen zu bestrafen!

    Bitte um Beachtung! - Für Rauchen unter 18 bekommt man eine Verwarnung - Für unangeschnalltes Fahren eine Geldstrafe - Für Mord ein paar Jahre - Bei Waffenhandel eine minimale Gefängnisstrafe - Als Raubkopierer bis zu 5 Jahre und saftige Geldstrafe... ... doch wenn man ein Kind vergewaltigt, eine sinnlose Therapie??? Darum: HÄRTERE GESETZE GEGEN KINDERSCHÄNDER!

    Besser man bereut was man getan hat, anstatt zu bereuen das man es unterlassen hat

    http://www.sb-innovation.de/f227/ers...mahnung-16423/

    http://www.sb-innovation.de/f227/akt...hnwerke-14268/

    https://epetitionen.bundestag.de/ind...ction=register


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